Wednesday, January 19, 2011

PUPPP equals sleepless nights

Well, here we are... night 3 of this horrible skin disease. Ryan has been snoring away for a little over an hour, while I lay on my side of the bed, scratching and scratching and trying hard not to scratch so hard that I shake the bed and wake him up. He has been such a trooper, but I know he needs his sleep badly, and I am tired of being the reason behind his tiredness.

A week ago I was complaining about waking up often to use the restroom, or my inability to get into a comfortable position to last all night. The funny part about that now is, I MISS those nights. I miss nights where I was at least ABLE to sleep, comfortable or uncomfortable. I miss the nights where I woke up 4 times to pee, because at least to be woken up, you had to of been sleeping to begin with...

So, here I sit, droopy eyed and dazed... wishing I was sleeping. Wishing I was like every other 9 month pregnant woman... resting up and awaiting the big day where my little one arrives. I want to go back to that. I want this to end. This insanity. I want to be myself again. I want to enjoy this pregnancy again. Instead, I sit here, shivering.... because I have entirely too much lotion with Menthol lathered all over my body. Its the only slight relief I have at night.

While I was laying in bed, scratching... I felt a rather weirdness on my belly. Thats what lead me to get out of bed, and to the bathroom to see what this was. Its a stretch mark. Seriously.... at LEAST an inch thick. UGH... My poor belly will never be the same. I am terrified that through all of this, when I have reached my end.. I will have all these stretch marks and scars to remind me of how dreadful this has been.

If Ive said it once, Ive said it a million times... Im shocked, absolutely flabbergasted that there is no known cause or treatment for this. I have done my research (Far too much), and it seems that because it does not pose any harm to the mother and baby (long term) it is not worth it to research. Nice. But, this is suffering. REAL suffering. Suffering with no end in sight. Suffering that leads to more suffering.

I made a deal with myself years ago, to not pray for myself. Instead I would use my own power of prayer to pray for others. For the first time in years, I broke my deal. I prayed for myself today. Out loud. I asked God to please help me. I told him that I am not strong enough, and that I needed him to lift this pain from my body. I begged him for comfort. I begged him for a remedy. Im hoping he was listening.

As if I didnt break my deal with the Lord enough as it is already, Im about to break it even more.. By asking you, my reader, to pray for me. Please take a moment to ask the Lord to relieve me of this pain. but not only for me, but for anyone out there dealing with PUPPPs. My prayer is that PUPPPs does not invade anyone elses life. And if that cant happen, I pray that a cure is found, or that at least SOMEONE, anyone, will decide that it is important enough to come up with a remedy for this. Or a preventative.

Im trying so hard to be positive. I try thinking of my little boy as much as I can, and remembering that he is the answer to my prayers, and that he is worth this suffering. And I know he is.

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