Saturday, January 29, 2011

The "not so dainty" Last Few Weeks....

There is no such thing as modesty with pregnancy. No such thing as being dainty.... or, explaining things in a "lady like" fashion. Nope, it is what it is and that's all that is is...

The last few weeks of pregnancy are all about leaking, whats not leaking, constipation, lack of constipation, crossing your legs when you laugh/sneeze/cough.... Its sending hubby to the store for things like panty liners and post baby pads. Its all about calling your mommy friends and asking if ______ is supposed to be that color, if _________ is supposed to be this consistency... or, If I do THIS will THAT happen??? Its googling and reading message boards, and flipping through the redic amounts of "mom to be" books... All the while, youre feeling like the biggest woman on earth, you're sweating when your feet are cold (And swollen), and all the while scrutinizing every single twinge, pull, push, pain..... HOPING, that its what you have been waiting for... the big "L" word....


I feel like the "L" word is that absolute most exciting yet terrifying word in the entire world.
Although I cant wait to be in LABOR, I'm terrified of it... Not because of the pain, but because I know that my little boy is so SAFE in THERE.
Not that he wont be safe out HERE, but my job is just so easy when hes in THERE. Or is it? Because leaking and not leaking and laughing with my legs crossed is starting to get on my nerves....

So, at 37 weeks... I'm saying it.
Brayden, come out. Like, right now. Because I need you to. And because I said so. And because I am your mother.

mom. (your leaky, unladylike MOM)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Found Relief.....

After not sleeping for more then 20 minutes on Wednesday night.... I decided I couldn't take it anymore. PUPPPs had taken over my life, and my sanity. I called my mom first thing Thursday morning, hysterical... and it was all she needed to hear before calling my OBGYN for herself, insisting that they HAVE to do something to help me.... (After I was told on Tuesday that there was nothing they could do for me..)

They had me come in within 40 minutes. I was immediately seen by a doctor who seriously GASPED when she saw my rash. She then proceeded to tell me that she had never in all her years, seen a rash like mine. After listening to Braydens heart beat, and questioning me about his amount of movement... she gave me 3 scripts. A steroid, a anti-itch pill, and a sleeping pill. I have been med free my entire pregnancy... but, I was at my end. I couldn't stand the physical and emotion toll this disease had taken on me in just 3 days. I was unable to focus, unable to not cry, and was completely frantic. There was NOTHING I could do to make myself feel better. I spent my time scratching until I was raw, then wincing in pain when I slathered on lotion, shivering in numerous cold showers, and crying myself to sleep. I was sick to my stomach with pain.

I was skeptical about these meds. I did extensive research.. and there seemed to be a 50/50 shot at them working... But, desperation got the best of me.. and I plunged right in...

And... I got relief. Not complete relief.. but enough that I was able to eat, and sleep, and although Im still itching, my skin is now healing... and not as raw...

The healing will take so much time, Im sure. And if I go even 15 minutes past the 6 hour time limit for my next anti-itch med dosage, I'm on fire again... scratching myself until I bleed... so, to say the PUPPPs is gone would definitely be an exaggeration.. But I have received relief.
... And I am so thankful!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

PUPPP equals sleepless nights

Well, here we are... night 3 of this horrible skin disease. Ryan has been snoring away for a little over an hour, while I lay on my side of the bed, scratching and scratching and trying hard not to scratch so hard that I shake the bed and wake him up. He has been such a trooper, but I know he needs his sleep badly, and I am tired of being the reason behind his tiredness.

A week ago I was complaining about waking up often to use the restroom, or my inability to get into a comfortable position to last all night. The funny part about that now is, I MISS those nights. I miss nights where I was at least ABLE to sleep, comfortable or uncomfortable. I miss the nights where I woke up 4 times to pee, because at least to be woken up, you had to of been sleeping to begin with...

So, here I sit, droopy eyed and dazed... wishing I was sleeping. Wishing I was like every other 9 month pregnant woman... resting up and awaiting the big day where my little one arrives. I want to go back to that. I want this to end. This insanity. I want to be myself again. I want to enjoy this pregnancy again. Instead, I sit here, shivering.... because I have entirely too much lotion with Menthol lathered all over my body. Its the only slight relief I have at night.

While I was laying in bed, scratching... I felt a rather weirdness on my belly. Thats what lead me to get out of bed, and to the bathroom to see what this was. Its a stretch mark. Seriously.... at LEAST an inch thick. UGH... My poor belly will never be the same. I am terrified that through all of this, when I have reached my end.. I will have all these stretch marks and scars to remind me of how dreadful this has been.

If Ive said it once, Ive said it a million times... Im shocked, absolutely flabbergasted that there is no known cause or treatment for this. I have done my research (Far too much), and it seems that because it does not pose any harm to the mother and baby (long term) it is not worth it to research. Nice. But, this is suffering. REAL suffering. Suffering with no end in sight. Suffering that leads to more suffering.

I made a deal with myself years ago, to not pray for myself. Instead I would use my own power of prayer to pray for others. For the first time in years, I broke my deal. I prayed for myself today. Out loud. I asked God to please help me. I told him that I am not strong enough, and that I needed him to lift this pain from my body. I begged him for comfort. I begged him for a remedy. Im hoping he was listening.

As if I didnt break my deal with the Lord enough as it is already, Im about to break it even more.. By asking you, my reader, to pray for me. Please take a moment to ask the Lord to relieve me of this pain. but not only for me, but for anyone out there dealing with PUPPPs. My prayer is that PUPPPs does not invade anyone elses life. And if that cant happen, I pray that a cure is found, or that at least SOMEONE, anyone, will decide that it is important enough to come up with a remedy for this. Or a preventative.

Im trying so hard to be positive. I try thinking of my little boy as much as I can, and remembering that he is the answer to my prayers, and that he is worth this suffering. And I know he is.

PUPPPs Day Number 2

I am miserable.

Im going to punch the next person who says "But it will be worth it" in the face.

My entire body is covered with this THING that has plagued my life.

Im not used to being so cynical. But I cant help it at this point. It has consumed my life. PUPPP is all I can think about.

I dont want to leave my house for fear that I will start itching. I dont want to do house work, because EVERYTHING makes me itch uncontrollably to the point of tears.

I slept well last night. I cant believe it. But today... today, is the WORST. I cant imagine it getting any worse.

As I write this, my poor swollen hands are throbbing. My toes are itching, and I want to claw into my belly.
All at the same time.

I need for this to end. I am now taking Dandelion root capsules, which are said to help... but it takes 3-5 days. Today is day number 2.

I made an ill joke yesterday on my blog. I said something along the lines of woman jumping off a bridge before Gold Bond, and having to deal with PUPPPS.

I take that back. People REALLY do commit suicide over this horrible disease. Thank God for my husband and my family. They check on me so often, and do anything and everything I need... I would be lost right now without them.

There has to be a relief for me out there. I cant go another 4 weeks like this. I am praying long and hard that this ends for me soon.

I wish I could even mutter a joke about this. But its just not funny. This is hell. And I want out.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I will never again say the word PUPPY the same. My eyes wont light up when I think of cute cuddly puppies, with their soft fur, and floppy ears. In fact, when I hear the word PUP for the rest of my life.. I will shudder.

PUPPP. Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy. Sounds fancy doesn't it?

Last Wednesday, while I was busy Losing it, little did I know, my body was also preparing to turn against me.What started out as your normal, every day stretch marks, turned into these nasty, purple, swollen lines that ITCHED. Ohhh, the joys of a growing belly, I thought.... Boy, how wrong was I?

Here we are, Tuesday; January 18th, 2011 and I looked like I got into a fight with killer bees and they definitely won. From my shoulders, down each arm to my hands... my belly, my back, my sides, my hips, my inner and upper thighs, my knees, behind my knees, down my calves, and all the way down my ankles and to my toes.... hundreds of tiny, hard, raised bumps no larger then the tip of a crayon... Typically, they start out the same color as my skin... until something, ANYTHING, touches it... and that's where the fun begins. I dont care what it is... clothing, blowing wind, bed sheets, my skin touching SKIN... I instantly get this intense itching sensation that sends me into a complete panicked frenzy, where Im clawing myself. And the bad part? The REALLY bad part? While Im scratching into my poor skin, it feels so GOOD. I get relief... its calming. But the moment I stop the itching, when my skin starts to become red, swollen, and raw.. It starts itching even more. By this time, my skin is so over it, that scratching just HURTS. The area becomes swollen and aches, all the while STILL ITCHING and begging me to claw myself once again.

Its the absolute most horrific experience I have ever had. After sleeping for maybe 2 hours last night, I just KNEW that my OBGYN was going to give me something to help with my madness today. Little did I know, all I was going to get was a sympathetic smile and a "Im sorry, there is nothing we can do. It isnt going to go away until you give birth..." Ummm.. what? You mean to tell me that youre sending me home with a swift kick in the behind (that will soon be itching!) with NOTHING?... not even a CREAM to slather on?  Well, thank you, Mrs. Im-sorry-but-I-want-you-to-suffer!

So, here I sit. In my underwear and a tshirt.... blogging about my misery. On a bed with no covers. Slathered on Gold Bond Medicated Lotion. And every single time I get even a HINT that I may start to itch (About every 2 1/2 minutes), I pump out more of that Gold Bond and put it where it hurts. And I wince at the idea that I might have another 5 weeks to go..

Can you believe that there is NO known cause for this? There is NO cure? And barely any research has been done on why woman get this, or how it can be prevented or taken care of? What did woman do before Gold Bond? Im assuming they just jumped off a bridge. Seriously.

My ever so "sympathetic" doctor, told me that many woman misdiagnose themselves with PUPPP. And that she has seen very few cases of the real PUPPP disease. She said it is very unlikely that I know anyone who has actually had this, being that 1 out of every 260 woman get it.... Woah. I think my chances of winning the lotto may have been higher then that. But, thats just my luck. If its weird, and almost unheard of, you can count me in as the winner of that prize! Im so lucky. Arent I? Im a sucker for the word unique and different. This wasnt quite the unique or different route I was going for....

My goal is to come up with a combo of "remedies"... that work. I will blog about it when I figure it out, and if it helps just one person, I will have done my job. I wouldnt wish this on anyone...  not even my bus driver in 7th grade who I dreaded every day of my age 12 career..

Cheers to no itching, and a day where I can sleep without clawing my skin.

Im going to go roll around in a fire ant pile. Maybe it will take my mind off of PUPPPs.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ive lost it....

So, yesterday morning started out just like any other Wednesday morning.... I wake up, hubby is already up and getting ready for work... He comes into our bedroom, gives me a kiss goodbye before heading off to work... I get up, go to the bathroom.. and, there it is...

I realize the fact that Im sharing this is pretty gross. I realize that this is totally crossing the line of "TMI"... but guess what? Before you were born... your mom lost it too. And your moms mom lost is also. And if you ever plan on having kids... you will lose it also. So, the disgusting reality is.... everyone loses it. Get over it.

Ill proceed.... As if you havent already figured it out... I lost my mucus plug. After calling my mom, she says "Please dont share this on facebook". I agreed... And then my lovely sister in law posts "Heard you popped your cork" on my non-private wall.... I laughed, and decided to keep it there... The rest of my life is pretty uncensored.. and, so is my cervix now... so, hey! Why not continue the sharing!

I FREAKED! There I sat, half way between excitement, disgust, and tears. I texted hubby, who immediately got excited thinking we may have a baby boy sooner than expected. And I sat there, numb.... because my little boy NEEDS to bake a few more weeks at least, to bring down the chance of making a visit to the NICU.

Called the good ole' OBGYN, and had an appointment for 130pm.

I proceeded to gather up things we needed for Brayden when we are in the hospital. 2 outfits, tiny socks, a big blanket in case its freezing, and a smaller one just because.
I couldn't find my glasses or a contacts case.
Should I bring a blow dryer?
My yoga pants are in the wash....
Is the camera charged?
Is it vain to bring makeup?
Oh My Gosh!!!! I am so unprepared.

Hubby comes home for lunch, calms me down.. and I go to my OBGYN apt.

Lady at the front desk says "Ohhh! Back so soon?" Shut it lady. I'm nervous and not into small talk right now.

I get called back. Ive lost 3 lbs. In 2 days. Labor sign #1.
Blood pressure is good.
Doctor comes right in. Throw my legs in stir ups, and the fun begins.
Um... Internals suck. Just throwing that out there....
I'm told I'm 50% effaced and 1/2cm dilated.

"OK, so this means I'm not going to go into labor, right?"

......doctors long pause....... "um.... I don't know. Could be today, could be tomorrow, could be next month"....

NICE. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a big time planner? I like having all my ducks in a row? I like knowing who, what, when, where, and why? I like knowing when I'm going to have to push a KID out of my you-know-what.....

So, we wait. And pay attention to every single little oh, ah, and pinch. And pray, that little man stays up there for a few more weeks. And remember that this has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with a predetermined plan that I have no control over.

Ive lost it......