Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My poor aching, loving, worrying head.....

Here we are.... 95 days until we have our baby boy in our arms.

Holy Cow.

Cow. That's kinda how I feel there days. Cow-ish. Large and larger. But sometimes, I worry myself. Sometimes, I just don't feel pregnant. Its the strangest thing. You would think that at 26weeks and 3 days pregnant, I would ALWAYS feel preggers... but, sometimes.. I just don't. I'm not sure if that's normal... I find myself wondering if lots of things are normal. I worry myself sick, and it pisses off my husband. He keeps saying he KNOWS everything is just fine, but I guess its my extreme fear, that maybe Ive done something wrong? This little tiny being does not stand a chance in this world without his mama. I am his life source. I eat and he eats. I breathe, he breathes. And the thought that something may not be perfect, scares the living hell out of me.

Its amazing how much I love Brayden. My entire life circles around him. Ever since I saw the word pregnant on my pee stick (all 3 of them) he has consumed every single thought. Is he hungry? Did I eat? Did I take my prenatals? Is he kicking enough... what if I don't feel him all day? When I'm stressed is he stressed? I just want so badly to provide my sweet baby boy with the best life ever.... and that starts right now. While he is in the womb, living off of ME. What a huge responsibility.

I worry myself to the point that I'M sick of hearing myself. I'm sick of my own what ifs. I want to take my brain out and put it on a shelf, and remind myself that this is supposed to be enjoyable.

Is that possible? Is it possible to not worry for the rest of my life?

Is it possible to love this little person so much, and hope for only the best, all the while knowing that your every single decision affects every part of his little delicate life? Talk about NOT worrying. Ya... right.

Dear Brayden,
Mama loves you so much, that she cant even think clearly anymore. I'm becoming a nut case. I hope you love me as much as I love you.


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