5 Months Old = OMG

Dear Brayden,

I dont know where to begin. I feel like a broken record, saying the same stupid line every single month. "Where the heck has time gone?" But its true. Time is going by with a wink of an eye, and I wish for 10 minutes, I could just make it stop. I would hold you in my arms, and stare into your beautiful face, and watch you laugh. Watch you smile. Watch you blink. And watch you be you... without worrying that your time as my infant is slipping by so fast.

I wish I could hold you in my arms forever, but you want none of that. You have an entire world to explore. You have the entire world to look at, and learn about, and discover. The world really is at your finger tips, and you want EVERYTHING at your fingertips. You spend your entire life, in complete and utter awe. You are fascinated with everything. Your hands and your feet, your daddy's scruffy facial hair, the writing on my shirt. Everything is nothing short of amazing to you.

You are loving your food these days! We successfully fed you every stage 1 food, and you loved each and every one without even the slightest sign of an allergy. Green beans were your favorite, with squash and sweet potato right behind. You open your mouth super wide, and wait wait wait for the next spoonful of yumminess. Your eyes open up super wide, and you swallow with a smile. Its the cutest darn thing ever.

You are sleeping an amazing 13 hours a night. It is unbelievable, and daddy and I feel so blessed!

You are wearing 6 month clothes all the time now, and size 2 diapers.

Mama tried sooo hard to give you a pacifier, but you wanted nothing to do with it, and would gag every time I put it in your mouth. And, guess what you started doing a week ago? Sucking your thumb! I just cant believe it! And although, its not what I wanted... I have to admit, it beyond adorable.

Daddy and I bought you a Jumper this month! You LOVE it! You jump and jump until you are wiped out! You look all the flashing lights and little toys.... and you giggle the entire time!

You can sit up by yourself for about 10 seconds before falling over. Im sure we only have a week or so until you are much much better at that!

If we stand you up on the couch, you can also hold yourself up for a little while! You love being on your feet!

Thank you for continuing to make our life so amazing. I love you, my sweet baby boy with all of my heart. You are the greatest part of my entire life, and I simply do not remember what life was like before you, and I would never want to. You have completed me in ways I can not even describe. You are my world. I love you, my munchkin.

Love,
Mama

Holy freakin 4 months!

Brayden Ryan... You are FOUR months old! I know, I know..... I say this every month, but the insanity of this is just unbelievable! You are growing and shocking the crap out of mommy and daddy everyday, because you are constantly changing and learning... and your smarts are just astounding.

This month, You learned how to roll.. front to back, and back to front.. so youre a little rolling machine! Rolling over has brought so  much joy to you.  You have discovered the floor of your playmat, and you just adore all the bright colors.

You are so determined to sit up. You grunt, and stretch, and fidget until whoever is holding you, finally sits you in an upright position. We try to remind you that youre only 4 months old, but you are far ahead of your times.

Holding up your head is no longer an issue ever. Your legs are the strongest. Sometimes, you get so excited, and kick so hard that it seriously hurts sometimes.

We have started you on Solids, and you LOVE your food! Bananas are your ABSOLUTE favorite so far, you thought apples were pretty good, but we're not sure if you are sold on the Peas yet. You act like you love them, and then we usually clean you up while youre screaming like a maniac. Not really sure why it is about your love/hate relationship with these peas... but good news is, we're almost done with the Peas days and we will be ready for pears in no time!

You weigh over 14 lbs, and are about 23 inches long putting you in the 50th percentile for weight and height. You are still wearing 3 month clothes, but are quickly growing out of most of them, so we have begun the transition into all of your 6 months clothes! You are in size 2 diapers.

You are a drooling mess. We average 4 bibs a day, and you have been giving our washing machine a run for its money. I used to LOVE baby clothes, until I had to wash and fold them all week long.

You are a talking machine. You have so much to say, and I absolutely LOVE hearing every detail! You coo, and goo, and gaga all day long, and when you get really excited you SCREECH!

You love smiling and laughing, and when you laugh really hard, you almost always bury your face in your hands.. and its got to be the cutest thing I have ever seen.

You adore reading books, and I could not be more happy! Mommy reads to you at least twice a day... Your favorite book is "My mommy and Me" , and "Guess who? ELMO!" After we exhaust ourselves with reading, we usually cuddle up together for a quick nap on mommy and daddys bed =)

You crack daddy and I up every single day. You have such a cute little personality, and we can not get over how much we love and adore you. We are so lucky to be your parents.

Love,
Mommy

My 3 month old BIG boy!

BRAYDEN!!!!

You are THREE MONTHS OLD! Where the heck has time gone, and why do I feel like I say that at LEAST every day!?

Daddy weighed you the other day, and we think youre somewhere around 14 pounds! You dont have a drs apt, and our scale stinks, so we're not positive... but either way, you are growing like crazy!

You cant quite roll over yet, but you are trying so hard... your head is a little bit heavy. You have a BIG obsession with trying to sit up. Daddy and I think its so funny, and you are so good at it.. But because of your heavy head, you usually end up falling over, but that doesnt stop you from trying over and over again until you are so tired and ready for a nap.

You love talking to your Giraffe on your playmate. You love when mommy reads you books, and makes funny voices for the characters. And you LOVE Elmo! We bought you a tiny stuffed Elmo last weekend, and you have enjoyed slobbering all over his arms and eyeballs.

You have recently realized that when you hit your toys, they move, and you are entertained for hours because of this recent discovery.

Bathtime is still your favorite time of the day. Mommy enjoy singing to you while daddy bathes you. So far, your favorite song is the ABC's, and the 50 nifty United States.

Youre wearing 3 month clothes, and quickly outgrowing most of them, but 6 months clothes are still a bit big. Your 3 months sleepers are so snug, you can barely straighten your legs, so mommy will be going out and buying you some 6 month sleepers this weekend.

Your first Easter was a huge success! You got so many things from so many people that love you!

The Easter bunny totally did not phase you. You though the green floor was way more amusing!

You def know your name now, and you quickly turn your head to see who is saying it. Your eyelashes are so incredibly long! Everyone comments on how long your fingers and feet are. We are allmost positive that you have mamas big brown eyes, but you are unmistakably your fathers son.

When daddy comes home from work, you spend a good half hour staring at him in amazement. You REALLY miss him when hes at work!

You are now sleeping through the night completely, and into the early afternoon! You LOVE sleeping! You go to bed around 1030pm, you sleep til about 7am, and then you go back to bed after a bottle until about noon.

You are such an easy baby. Probably the happiest baby I have ever seen. You have a smile and a giggle for everyone, and you melt everyones heart just like you melt mine.

I love our little family, baby boy. Thank you for being so amazing!

Love,

Mama

Holy 2 months old!

Brayden,

You are growing wayyyy too fast, mister! Mama can barely keep the tears out of her eyes when she thinks of how very fast you have changed already, and its just a reminder of how fast you would continue to grow. It breaks my heart, because although I love seeing you grow strong, and learn new thing everyday.... I get sad. Because one day, your entire hand wont be able to wrap around my finger anymore. You wont need me to feed you. Or bathe you. Or change your diaper. You wont need me to help you fall asleep. I know this will not be for awhile, but the past 2 months of my life as your mommy have been the fastest 2 months of my life, and it scares the living crap out of me. I feel like Ill wake up tomorrow, and you will be 13 with a bad haircut....

You have learned so much this month! Our first milestone was transitioning from being in the bassinet next to mamas bed, and into your big boy crib. You did GREAT! You slept better there then you did next to mama and daddy... Lets blame daddys snoring on that one =). Around 5 weeks, mama flew out of bed because it was 4am, and it had been 5 whole hours since I had heard from you! I was so sure something was not okay... but there you were, sleeping like an angel. 5 whole hours felt like a dream come true... and it only got better. Before we knew it, you were going to bed at 11pm, waking up for a bottle at 5, and sleeping again until 10am! We are so blessed to have a baby who likes his sleep!

You gave mama and daddy the greatest gift of our lives this month. Smiles. And lots of them. Which each smile, you melt our hearts! Mama swallows back tears daily, because she just cant believe how much love her heart holds for you! You are our entire world. You smile most when you have one on one time with us. Sometimes its hard to imagine that you are able to smile so big, but every time you do, it makes everything else in our world go away, and you are the only thing that fills our thoughts.

You love your baths. You kick your little legs and it looks like youre dancing. Bath time now takes longer then before, because half the time Im laughing so hard at your cuteness, I have to remember to catch my breath! You take my breath away time and time again, my lovey.

I cant tell if you favor mama or daddy, because it seems that you love us both equally. You spend lots of time staring at us, and smiling, and cooing. You love to coo. And "talk" to us. I enjoy hearing everything you have to say. I cant wait for real words to come out one day!

This month, you spent 2 full days away from mama. Once because I went to work, and once because daddy and I went to a wedding. Words can not even express how much I missed you! You are the only thing I think and talk about. Its hard to concentrate on much else. Although mama and daddy enjoyed a night to ourselves to hangout with our friends, we missed you tons. You stayed at Nana and Abuelos house and you had a blast!

You LOVE kicking your legs. Thats how we know when youre REALLY happy! You are also able to "Stand" up on mamas legs... you are so strong!

You seem to favor your left side more then your right, which THRILLS your daddy. Left handed pitchers are paid more and much desired in baseball. =)

You weigh 11 lbs 14 oz, and youre 22 1/2 inches long putting you in the 50th percentile! You are 100% healthy, and 110% beautiful.

Brayden... daddy and I love you more then ANYTHING in this world. You are the only thing that matters. We love that you are our son, and will spend the rest of our lives letting you know that.

Love,
Mama.

Brayden is one month old!

Dear Brayden,

Boy oh BOY! You are one month old. Mama simply cannot wrap her head around the idea that her sweet precious newborn is headed straight into infancy faster than she ever wanted to imagine.

In fact, it was just last night that daddy and I noticed that while wearing your newborn sleepers, you are barely able to straighten your legs… you’re just way to long now! You are barely wearing your newborn diapers, and all of your adorable newborn outfits are quickly becoming extremely snug… some of them are impossible to pull over your round little head without squishing your beautiful face. Mama gets all sorts of emotional at the thought of graduating you into 3 month clothes and size 1 Huggies. You weighed 6lbs, 15oz when you were born, and dropped down to 6lbs 10 ounces…. NOW, you are 9lbs 4 oz.!

You are all boy. Rough, tough, and strong. You love to eat, and mama is already getting nervous for what her grocery bill will be when you’re in high school. During meal times, when it’s time for you to be burped, you get yourself into such a frenzy, that you shake your head back and forth and flail your little arms, and push your legs against mamas legs, while you smack your lips and lunge towards your bottle. We try to remind you that you’re not starving and that there is more coming as soon as you give us a big burp, but it doesn’t matter. You want your milk! Daddy and I get a big kick out of this…. And we are sorry that we are laughing at your expense.. but you’re just so funny!

You hold your head up like a champ, and have been doing so since you were born actually…. But just recently, you have really mastered this! You spend most of your day staring into your mama’s face, and it melts her heart completely. I just love staring into your big beautiful blue eyes! When you’re not loving on mama or daddy, your staring at your best friend… the ceiling fan. No amount of interactive toys, or your play mat that plays music and flashes colors can compare to that ceiling fan!

You have recently found your tongue, and you spend lots of time sticking it in and out in amazement. When you’re not putting your hands into your mouth, you are desperately trying to get mama or daddy’s fingers in there! Your pacifier is your life line.

You’re still sleeping in mama and daddy’s room… and mama is so sad at the thought of moving you into your own crib. I wimped out on the idea this weekend, so we’re hoping next weekend will be a good time to start!

You have been out to eat with us several times, you have visited all of your grandparents, Publix and Target twice. Mama is still nervous to take you out of the house on her own… She is convinced that she cannot function without Daddy anymore. Our favorite time of the day is when Daddy comes home from work, and on Saturday and Sunday mornings… when Daddy brings you into our bed so that we can snuggle together as a family.

Last week, Tio Dennis and Leigh Leigh shared some big news with us on Abuelos birthday! You are going to have TWIN cousins, just 6 months older then you!  I cannot wait to watch you grow up with your cousins, as they become your very best friends! What a blessed family we are!

In the first month of your life, you have made us a family and have showed daddy and I what real love is. Looking at your little face brings so much joy into our lives, and we don’t remember what life was like before you. You have completed us.

We love you sweet baby boy. You are our everything.

Love,

Mama

2 weeks old.

Dear Brayden,

Today you are 2 weeks old. In 2 weeks, you have completely rocked your mama and daddy's world. We are happiest when we are staring at your little face, and are absolutely amazed by all the things you already do. You surprise us everyday with how strong you are, from your scary arrival all the way to when you hold your head up during tummy time. You are beautiful! So beautiful, that you take our breath away daily. And we're not the only ones who feel that way! Many people have said that you are the most beautiful baby they have ever seen! You have brought so much joy to so many peoples lives. You are our breath of fresh air. I spend half of my day counting your fingers, and toes and feeling so proud that I grew such a beautiful, strong baby boy inside of my tummy.
You absolute HATE having your diaper changed, and taking bathes. You are so modest! You can pick your mamas voice out of a crowd, and you have earned the title of your daddy's bestfriend.
We love you so much. We enjoy mornings with you. Taking you out of your cradle, and into our bed so you can snuggle with daddy and I. I love that you have made US a family. We are now a family of 3. And we love everything about that.
Thank you for changing our entire life for the better, sweet boy. Daddy and I are looking forward to watching you grow and learn, and seeing you achieve all of your milestones.

We love you,
Mama

My Labor Story.

February 4th, 2011. Its 8am, Ive been up all night. Hubby is in the bathroom, running a little late for work. I have finally just fallen back to sleep, and I am awoken by a VERY loud POP noise. I stir a little, and try to fall back to sleep... Until I feel like I am about to pee myself right then and there.. So, I lunge out of bed, and thats when I realize... My water is broken. I yell for Ryan, he runs into the bedroom... He calls our OBGYN.. I call my mom... He cleans up my mess and runs around the house getting together a few things, and I jump in the shower....
3 minutes into  my shower, I have my first contraction. It was long and painful. Time to hurry up this shower and get a move on. I get out, and I have another one. I sit on top of the toilet seat, trying to catch my breath. I didn't know these were supposed to come so fast, and so hard, so soon.... I start getting dressed. I get another contraction, hurts so bad I cant bend over to pull up my pants. I yell for Ryan again (poor guy... as if his nerves weren't already shot), and he helps me to pull up my pants and stand up.
We head to the car. Another contraction. I get in the car. Another contraction. Holy crap. Im going to deliver this baby soon! Driving to the hospital... in Tampa rush hour traffic. Not so fun. Contraction after contraction. We finally get there... Ryan valets, and we rush inside. Sign in. Im taken back to Triage. My mom gets there shortly after. My contractions are long, hard, and coming fast. Ryan pleads with the nurse to hurry. She checks my cervix. Im 4cm dilated. THATS it!? But Im having contractions every other minute! And they are lasting 30-40 seconds long!
Im rushed to labor and delivery. Im hooked up to all kinds of machines, and due to the intensity and quickness of the contractions, but slow progression, I ask for an Epidural. It wasn't fun but it was worth it. Completely.
The next 7 hours are easy. I cant feel a thing. I sometimes shake when I have a contraction, but I only know Im having one because a machine is telling me so. Braydens heart beat sounds good and strong. I am feeling great. Lets get this show on the road!
4 hours later... Im only 5cm dilated, with intense contractions every other minute.
9 1/2 hours into labor, and they cant find Braydens heart beat. When they find it again, its at 50. Down from 150. The nurses flip me on my side, and give me oxygen. My visitors are told to leave the room. My mom and Ryan stand to the side, looking so afraid. I ask whats wrong, and they keep telling me to breathe as they unhook me from everything, and begin upping my epidural.
Before I know it, Im hearing the my Doctor run in, as the nurses start running and wheeling me down the hall, yelling at Ryan and my mom to stay where they are.
Whats going on? Why cant they come? Whats happening? I close my eyes and start to pray.
Im taken into the Operating Room. Im picked up and put on a steel table, where my doctor slices open my stomach. They didn't even have time to turn on the over head lights, so I am able to see the reflection in the glass. While she is cutting me open, my arms are being tied down. I keep asking for my husband.. where is he? Why am I alone?
Within seconds my baby boy is being pulled from my stomach. Hes purple. God, I wish they had turned on those overhead lights so I couldnt watch what was happening.
Brayden doesn't cry. He wasnt moving. I scream "Why isnt he CRYING!?" No one answers. The entire delivery room is in silence, and a nurse is stroking my hair. My OBGYN tells me "They are doing everything they can honey."
Doing everything they can? But whats wrong? Whats wrong with my baby? Where is my husband? Why isn't Brayden crying?
I then hear nurses and doctors say the word "Resuscitation". My heart goes into my throat... and I begin to pray out loud as tears stream down my cheeks and puddle into my ears. "Lord, please.... Take me. Don't take him. He was so strong. Why is this happening. Please take me and not him. I will never ask for another thing for the rest of my life. I cant go home without him. You cant do this to my husband. He needs this little boy. Please Lord. Please."
And then I hear it. A faint tiny whimper. I yell "Is that him crying?" The nurse stroking my hair still, replies with a smile "Well, thats not a nurse crying"... I cry more. My baby boy is crying. Apgar score is a 1. I continue to pray, and cry. A doctor says "Hey mom, look at your baby boy"... I look over, and see his tiny beautiful perfect face as the doctor runs past me with him in his arms. The Operating room door slams, and my baby is taken away.
I am being stitched up. I am still crying, praying, and asking as many questions as possible. No one is answering me. Ryan comes in, and sits by head. He kisses me with tears running down his face, telling me he loves me, and that hes sorry he couldnt be with me. They wouldnt allow him to. He says he got to see Brayden in passing in the hallway. We know nothing.
I am then taken to a recovery room. Ryan is with me, and my mom comes in. Shes crying. Ryan is crying. Im crying, and no one seems to know whats going on.
Finally a nurse calls the NICU and tells Ryan he can go there. 5 minutes later, I get a picture message on my cell phone that my mom was holding for me. Its a picture of the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in all my life, hooked up to a million machines, with a text from Ryan that says "Hes perfect".
2 doctors come in to talk to me. The cord wrapped itself around Braydens neck. The cord also became clamped somehow. We are lucky he is with us. Recent Apgar score is a 7, and getting better. He is alive. He is breathing.

As the night progressed, Brayden did a complete turn around. Wide awake, strong, breathing, moving, alert... just perfect.

My beautiful baby boy. The only thing in my life that matters anymore. The breath in my lungs. and the truest miracle Ill ever know. I will never be able to thank God enough for this blessing. For the rest of my life, everyday, everytime I look at my baby boys sweet face, I will say thank  you. It wasnt my baby boys time. He is with us, and he is as healthy and beautiful as ever.

Brayden Ryan Provenzano was  born on February 4th, 2011 at 5:30pm. He weighed 6 pounds, 15 ounces, and was 19.5 inches long. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. He loves to eat, and is growing and changing every day. He loves staring at his daddys face, and knows mamas voice. He makes the greatest facial expressions, and absolutely HATES having his diaper changed. He is the biggest blessing and miracle his daddy and I will ever know.

My baby boy. Hours after his arrival.

Perfect gift from God.

My whole life.

The "not so dainty" Last Few Weeks....

There is no such thing as modesty with pregnancy. No such thing as being dainty.... or, explaining things in a "lady like" fashion. Nope, it is what it is and that's all that is is...

The last few weeks of pregnancy are all about leaking, whats not leaking, constipation, lack of constipation, crossing your legs when you laugh/sneeze/cough.... Its sending hubby to the store for things like panty liners and post baby pads. Its all about calling your mommy friends and asking if ______ is supposed to be that color, if _________ is supposed to be this consistency... or, If I do THIS will THAT happen??? Its googling and reading message boards, and flipping through the redic amounts of "mom to be" books... All the while, youre feeling like the biggest woman on earth, you're sweating when your feet are cold (And swollen), and all the while scrutinizing every single twinge, pull, push, pain..... HOPING, that its what you have been waiting for... the big "L" word....

LABOR

I feel like the "L" word is that absolute most exciting yet terrifying word in the entire world.
Although I cant wait to be in LABOR, I'm terrified of it... Not because of the pain, but because I know that my little boy is so SAFE in THERE.
Not that he wont be safe out HERE, but my job is just so easy when hes in THERE. Or is it? Because leaking and not leaking and laughing with my legs crossed is starting to get on my nerves....

So, at 37 weeks... I'm saying it.
Brayden, come out. Like, right now. Because I need you to. And because I said so. And because I am your mother.

Love,
mom. (your leaky, unladylike MOM)

Found Relief.....

After not sleeping for more then 20 minutes on Wednesday night.... I decided I couldn't take it anymore. PUPPPs had taken over my life, and my sanity. I called my mom first thing Thursday morning, hysterical... and it was all she needed to hear before calling my OBGYN for herself, insisting that they HAVE to do something to help me.... (After I was told on Tuesday that there was nothing they could do for me..)

They had me come in within 40 minutes. I was immediately seen by a doctor who seriously GASPED when she saw my rash. She then proceeded to tell me that she had never in all her years, seen a rash like mine. After listening to Braydens heart beat, and questioning me about his amount of movement... she gave me 3 scripts. A steroid, a anti-itch pill, and a sleeping pill. I have been med free my entire pregnancy... but, I was at my end. I couldn't stand the physical and emotion toll this disease had taken on me in just 3 days. I was unable to focus, unable to not cry, and was completely frantic. There was NOTHING I could do to make myself feel better. I spent my time scratching until I was raw, then wincing in pain when I slathered on lotion, shivering in numerous cold showers, and crying myself to sleep. I was sick to my stomach with pain.

I was skeptical about these meds. I did extensive research.. and there seemed to be a 50/50 shot at them working... But, desperation got the best of me.. and I plunged right in...

And... I got relief. Not complete relief.. but enough that I was able to eat, and sleep, and although Im still itching, my skin is now healing... and not as raw...

The healing will take so much time, Im sure. And if I go even 15 minutes past the 6 hour time limit for my next anti-itch med dosage, I'm on fire again... scratching myself until I bleed... so, to say the PUPPPs is gone would definitely be an exaggeration.. But I have received relief.
... And I am so thankful!

PUPPP equals sleepless nights

Well, here we are... night 3 of this horrible skin disease. Ryan has been snoring away for a little over an hour, while I lay on my side of the bed, scratching and scratching and trying hard not to scratch so hard that I shake the bed and wake him up. He has been such a trooper, but I know he needs his sleep badly, and I am tired of being the reason behind his tiredness.

A week ago I was complaining about waking up often to use the restroom, or my inability to get into a comfortable position to last all night. The funny part about that now is, I MISS those nights. I miss nights where I was at least ABLE to sleep, comfortable or uncomfortable. I miss the nights where I woke up 4 times to pee, because at least to be woken up, you had to of been sleeping to begin with...

So, here I sit, droopy eyed and dazed... wishing I was sleeping. Wishing I was like every other 9 month pregnant woman... resting up and awaiting the big day where my little one arrives. I want to go back to that. I want this to end. This insanity. I want to be myself again. I want to enjoy this pregnancy again. Instead, I sit here, shivering.... because I have entirely too much lotion with Menthol lathered all over my body. Its the only slight relief I have at night.

While I was laying in bed, scratching... I felt a rather weirdness on my belly. Thats what lead me to get out of bed, and to the bathroom to see what this was. Its a stretch mark. Seriously.... at LEAST an inch thick. UGH... My poor belly will never be the same. I am terrified that through all of this, when I have reached my end.. I will have all these stretch marks and scars to remind me of how dreadful this has been.

If Ive said it once, Ive said it a million times... Im shocked, absolutely flabbergasted that there is no known cause or treatment for this. I have done my research (Far too much), and it seems that because it does not pose any harm to the mother and baby (long term) it is not worth it to research. Nice. But, this is suffering. REAL suffering. Suffering with no end in sight. Suffering that leads to more suffering.

I made a deal with myself years ago, to not pray for myself. Instead I would use my own power of prayer to pray for others. For the first time in years, I broke my deal. I prayed for myself today. Out loud. I asked God to please help me. I told him that I am not strong enough, and that I needed him to lift this pain from my body. I begged him for comfort. I begged him for a remedy. Im hoping he was listening.

As if I didnt break my deal with the Lord enough as it is already, Im about to break it even more.. By asking you, my reader, to pray for me. Please take a moment to ask the Lord to relieve me of this pain. but not only for me, but for anyone out there dealing with PUPPPs. My prayer is that PUPPPs does not invade anyone elses life. And if that cant happen, I pray that a cure is found, or that at least SOMEONE, anyone, will decide that it is important enough to come up with a remedy for this. Or a preventative.

Im trying so hard to be positive. I try thinking of my little boy as much as I can, and remembering that he is the answer to my prayers, and that he is worth this suffering. And I know he is.

PUPPPs Day Number 2

I am miserable.

Im going to punch the next person who says "But it will be worth it" in the face.

My entire body is covered with this THING that has plagued my life.

Im not used to being so cynical. But I cant help it at this point. It has consumed my life. PUPPP is all I can think about.

I dont want to leave my house for fear that I will start itching. I dont want to do house work, because EVERYTHING makes me itch uncontrollably to the point of tears.

I slept well last night. I cant believe it. But today... today, is the WORST. I cant imagine it getting any worse.

As I write this, my poor swollen hands are throbbing. My toes are itching, and I want to claw into my belly.
All at the same time.

I need for this to end. I am now taking Dandelion root capsules, which are said to help... but it takes 3-5 days. Today is day number 2.

I made an ill joke yesterday on my blog. I said something along the lines of woman jumping off a bridge before Gold Bond, and having to deal with PUPPPS.

I take that back. People REALLY do commit suicide over this horrible disease. Thank God for my husband and my family. They check on me so often, and do anything and everything I need... I would be lost right now without them.

There has to be a relief for me out there. I cant go another 4 weeks like this. I am praying long and hard that this ends for me soon.

I wish I could even mutter a joke about this. But its just not funny. This is hell. And I want out.

Love,
me.

PUPPPs

I will never again say the word PUPPY the same. My eyes wont light up when I think of cute cuddly puppies, with their soft fur, and floppy ears. In fact, when I hear the word PUP for the rest of my life.. I will shudder.

PUPPP. Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy. Sounds fancy doesn't it?

Last Wednesday, while I was busy Losing it, little did I know, my body was also preparing to turn against me.What started out as your normal, every day stretch marks, turned into these nasty, purple, swollen lines that ITCHED. Ohhh, the joys of a growing belly, I thought.... Boy, how wrong was I?

Here we are, Tuesday; January 18th, 2011 and I looked like I got into a fight with killer bees and they definitely won. From my shoulders, down each arm to my hands... my belly, my back, my sides, my hips, my inner and upper thighs, my knees, behind my knees, down my calves, and all the way down my ankles and to my toes.... hundreds of tiny, hard, raised bumps no larger then the tip of a crayon... Typically, they start out the same color as my skin... until something, ANYTHING, touches it... and that's where the fun begins. I dont care what it is... clothing, blowing wind, bed sheets, my skin touching SKIN... I instantly get this intense itching sensation that sends me into a complete panicked frenzy, where Im clawing myself. And the bad part? The REALLY bad part? While Im scratching into my poor skin, it feels so GOOD. I get relief... its calming. But the moment I stop the itching, when my skin starts to become red, swollen, and raw.. It starts itching even more. By this time, my skin is so over it, that scratching just HURTS. The area becomes swollen and aches, all the while STILL ITCHING and begging me to claw myself once again.

Its the absolute most horrific experience I have ever had. After sleeping for maybe 2 hours last night, I just KNEW that my OBGYN was going to give me something to help with my madness today. Little did I know, all I was going to get was a sympathetic smile and a "Im sorry, there is nothing we can do. It isnt going to go away until you give birth..." Ummm.. what? You mean to tell me that youre sending me home with a swift kick in the behind (that will soon be itching!) with NOTHING?... not even a CREAM to slather on?  Well, thank you, Mrs. Im-sorry-but-I-want-you-to-suffer!

So, here I sit. In my underwear and a tshirt.... blogging about my misery. On a bed with no covers. Slathered on Gold Bond Medicated Lotion. And every single time I get even a HINT that I may start to itch (About every 2 1/2 minutes), I pump out more of that Gold Bond and put it where it hurts. And I wince at the idea that I might have another 5 weeks to go..

Can you believe that there is NO known cause for this? There is NO cure? And barely any research has been done on why woman get this, or how it can be prevented or taken care of? What did woman do before Gold Bond? Im assuming they just jumped off a bridge. Seriously.

My ever so "sympathetic" doctor, told me that many woman misdiagnose themselves with PUPPP. And that she has seen very few cases of the real PUPPP disease. She said it is very unlikely that I know anyone who has actually had this, being that 1 out of every 260 woman get it.... Woah. I think my chances of winning the lotto may have been higher then that. But, thats just my luck. If its weird, and almost unheard of, you can count me in as the winner of that prize! Im so lucky. Arent I? Im a sucker for the word unique and different. This wasnt quite the unique or different route I was going for....

My goal is to come up with a combo of "remedies"... that work. I will blog about it when I figure it out, and if it helps just one person, I will have done my job. I wouldnt wish this on anyone...  not even my bus driver in 7th grade who I dreaded every day of my age 12 career..

Cheers to no itching, and a day where I can sleep without clawing my skin.

Im going to go roll around in a fire ant pile. Maybe it will take my mind off of PUPPPs.

Ive lost it....

So, yesterday morning started out just like any other Wednesday morning.... I wake up, hubby is already up and getting ready for work... He comes into our bedroom, gives me a kiss goodbye before heading off to work... I get up, go to the bathroom.. and, there it is...

I realize the fact that Im sharing this is pretty gross. I realize that this is totally crossing the line of "TMI"... but guess what? Before you were born... your mom lost it too. And your moms mom lost is also. And if you ever plan on having kids... you will lose it also. So, the disgusting reality is.... everyone loses it. Get over it.

Ill proceed.... As if you havent already figured it out... I lost my mucus plug. After calling my mom, she says "Please dont share this on facebook". I agreed... And then my lovely sister in law posts "Heard you popped your cork" on my non-private wall.... I laughed, and decided to keep it there... The rest of my life is pretty uncensored.. and, so is my cervix now... so, hey! Why not continue the sharing!

I FREAKED! There I sat, half way between excitement, disgust, and tears. I texted hubby, who immediately got excited thinking we may have a baby boy sooner than expected. And I sat there, numb.... because my little boy NEEDS to bake a few more weeks at least, to bring down the chance of making a visit to the NICU.

Called the good ole' OBGYN, and had an appointment for 130pm.

I proceeded to gather up things we needed for Brayden when we are in the hospital. 2 outfits, tiny socks, a big blanket in case its freezing, and a smaller one just because.
I couldn't find my glasses or a contacts case.
Should I bring a blow dryer?
My yoga pants are in the wash....
Is the camera charged?
Is it vain to bring makeup?
Oh My Gosh!!!! I am so unprepared.

Hubby comes home for lunch, calms me down.. and I go to my OBGYN apt.

Lady at the front desk says "Ohhh! Back so soon?" Shut it lady. I'm nervous and not into small talk right now.

I get called back. Ive lost 3 lbs. In 2 days. Labor sign #1.
Blood pressure is good.
Doctor comes right in. Throw my legs in stir ups, and the fun begins.
Um... Internals suck. Just throwing that out there....
I'm told I'm 50% effaced and 1/2cm dilated.

"OK, so this means I'm not going to go into labor, right?"

......doctors long pause....... "um.... I don't know. Could be today, could be tomorrow, could be next month"....

NICE. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a big time planner? I like having all my ducks in a row? I like knowing who, what, when, where, and why? I like knowing when I'm going to have to push a KID out of my you-know-what.....

So, we wait. And pay attention to every single little oh, ah, and pinch. And pray, that little man stays up there for a few more weeks. And remember that this has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with a predetermined plan that I have no control over.

Ive lost it......

2010... another year of blessings!

Ever since I met my husband in 2007... every year has been "the best year ever!".... 
I met my husband in 2007 and immediately fell head over heels in love with each other... best year ever.
In 2008, My husband and I moved into our first apartment together, and got engaged... best year ever.
In 2009, We planned our wedding, got married, and went on an awesome honeymoon.... best year ever.
In 2010, I peed on a little stick that flashed the word "pregnant", and we have spent all year getting our lives in order for this little miracle... best year ever.
I cant speak for 2011, because it doesn't start until tomorrow... but, in only 7 weeks (or less), our lives will forever change when we finally meet our son. Surely, 2011 will truly be "The best year ever!".

Besides getting pregnant in 2010... this year has been a year of growing... Some of this growth has hurt, really bad. But, as I always say... everything happens for a reason.

As a wife, I have grown to be more patient. We have gotten over the "first year hurdles".. and I have strived to be there in every single way possible for  my husband. I have been his biggest cheerleader and encourager. This has been a tough year for Ryan... We went from 2 healthy incomes, and after months of toying with the idea, went down to only 1. Months later, we find out I'm pregnant, and after the joy and excitement.. came the money woes. But, he handled it amazing... when he wasn't in the office, he was working a side job. He used his vacation time to work endless hours in Kentucky away from his home, his wife, his family.... Proving to be the ultimate provider. I am proud to say, that thanks to my amazing husband, we not only made ends meet this year... but we are virtually DEBT FREE. Something that is almost unheard of these days. The amount of love and pride I have for Ryan can not be measured. I still find myself in awe that God thought I was worthy of such an amazing man!

In 2010, my spirit has been questioned. My motives have been questioned. My intentions have been questioned. My honestly has been questioned. All of this questioning, took a toll on me personally. I found myself upset, and frustrated because I was being ridiculed by people who I thought were my family and friends. Lies upon lies were being said from the mouths of people who I, at one time, trusted. I told these people secrets, I cried on their shoulders, I allowed them to be an important part of my life. For what? For a mistake to be made into a lie, and another lie, and another lie.. and the talking became too much, and as it all came back to me... it was nothing more then a twisted web of lies.. and people believing every ounce of everything accept for anything I had to say... or not having enough sense to truly take a step back and see the whole picture. Friendships have been ruined. Trust is gone, and can not be earned back. My husband and I sat around thinking long and hard about why this was happening to us. We are both people who 100% of the time, put others before ourselves.. and here we are, bewildered. It took a little bit of time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and clearly see the whole picture. Ryan and I's spirit is still healing, but God has made his intentions clear.  Our life needed "weeding". We needed the negative and fake removed from our life, so we can truly enjoy the blessings we have before us. We can focus on our friends and family who have never questioned our intentions, who have always been a phone call away, and who have been with us through this "weeding" process. Its been painful, excruciating at times... but we have made it! And we can honestly look back, and know that we have always remained honest and truthful to ourselves and others. We have always given more then we have received. And we are now thankful that this "weeding" process is over and our lives are filled with individuals that we KNOW we can turn to and count on at the end of the day. I am so thankful for this. God has a funny way of doing things sometimes, but in the end.. it all makes sense. And I am so grateful to be able to start 2011 with a clear mind, full heart, and REAL friends and family.

2011 WILL be "the best year ever"! How could it not be? My life is filled with countless blessings, my belly is filled with a healthy baby boy who is almost ready to fill my arms, and he has already filled my heart. I'm married to the most amazing man on earth, My family is unbelievable, and I have TRUE friends. What more could anyone ever want?

Christmas.

This Christmas...
I couldn't think of anything I wanted.

Not one. Seriously.

It seemed ridiculous to "want" anything. No matter who asked (mom, brother, in laws, my husband x3802389 times)... I had the same answer..."I dunno".

Its hard to "want" anything, when you "have" everything.

I have a healthy little boy in my belly who is growing  by leaps and bounds everyday, I have a husband who I adore and love more then life itself, I have brothers who've always got my back, My parents who are the absolute most amazing people I know, fabulous in laws by the handfuls, and girlfriends who I can count on no matter what...

It seemed silly to "want" anything else, when clearly, my life has been blessed beyond any sort of measure.

So, What did I ask for?

 Maternity Yoga Pants.
Its the only thing I could come up with.

And because of that, I am the happiest girl on the planet.

Merry Christmas. May you get everything you "want", and have everything you "need"....

Love,
Angela

Pee.

Ya know how every time you see a pregnant girl on TV or in a movie, shes always running to the bathroom? Shes either throwing up or peeing? I'm one of those skeptics that saw this, and seriously thought that that was none other then another dramatization on the big screen....

WRONG.

I was lucky enough not to face the whole morning sickness thing.. But my bladder... has turned against me. Why am I sharing this? Because every woman who has been pregnant can relate with me, and any woman who hasn't been pregnant yet, but will one day be pregnant.... should know.

Ive always been a public restroom snob. Meaning, I just don't use them. Its gross. Back in my non pregnant, bar hopping days... I was able to go out all night and MAYBE use a public restroom once. MAYBE. And here I am.... 8 months pregnant... and public restrooms are my friend. I have scouted out the best and the worst. I know which restrooms are sometimes out of paper towels or toilet paper.. and I have my favorite stalls. Am I pregnant or 97 years old? I cant seem to tell the difference right now....

Its not only in the movies... its real. My daily routine? Wake up, Pee, Brush teeth, wash face, eat a bowl of cereal, pee, get dressed, struggle to tie shoes, pee, leave house, arrive at destination, pee, pay for things at store, pee, drive to next destination... pee. I cant tell you how many times my husband and I have been running on time (not many..) , and as we're walking out the door... I look at him and say "I have to pee". I dread saying that. At first he would look at me, and say something like "Come on babe! Seriously? You cant hold it? We're walking out the door!"...  but he knows better now. "ok, hurry!" Such pressure!

I haven't slept through the night in 6 months. At the beginning, I was "irritated" by having to wake up once during the night... I would love to go back to one of those days... Pee before bed.. then its 12:30am, 3am, 530am, 7am and then its another mad dash when I decide to roll out of bed for good around 9.

I talked to my doctor about this. I swore something was wrong with me.. but no. Doctor asked, "Does it burn?" I answered.. "What? No...." Doctor responded.." Ok, then youre fine. Just pregnant". Nice.

I don't even want to go into what happens when I laugh really hard or sneeze.... That just more information then you need to know. Or maybe you already know.. and if you do, I can promise you are totally sympathizing with me...

On that note, that's all I have for today. Its a good thing this sweet baby boy is worth it =)

I have to pee....

29 weeks

I told myself I would do this every 4 weeks... I also told myself I would write down every single thing that I did and experianced through my pregnancy.. and I didnt. I know, I know... I will totally regret this one day. But, for now... Ill wait for that day, and not worry about that day, today.

Last time I did one of these, I was 16 weeks pregnant. That feels like another life time ago... I am now 29 weeks, and I feel like Im a pro at being pregnant by now. 11 weeks or less until my beautiful baby boy is in my life... I cant wait!




Total Weight Gain:

Ugh. 17.
Maternity Clothes:

Ive ever grown out of some of those already!

Stretch Marks:

Yes, yes yes. I think I hate this question.


Sleep:

Tiredness is back. Can barely sleep more then 2 hours at a time at night.... always waking super early. and desperate for a nap by 4pm.


Best moment of the month:

My baby shower, and seeing baby boy during a 3D sonogram =)

Movement:

Always!

Food Cravings:

None. Just food in general.
Food Aversions:

None.

Belly button:

Its flat. LIke really flat. But not sticking out....
What I miss:
Nothing
What Im looking forward to:
Having this baby!
Weekly Wisdom:
Let others do stuff for me. Because my back hates me.
Milestones:
Everything. Being well into my 3rd trimester. Knowing that if little one was born today, he would be healthy.

My poor aching, loving, worrying head.....

Here we are.... 95 days until we have our baby boy in our arms.

Holy Cow.

Cow. That's kinda how I feel there days. Cow-ish. Large and larger. But sometimes, I worry myself. Sometimes, I just don't feel pregnant. Its the strangest thing. You would think that at 26weeks and 3 days pregnant, I would ALWAYS feel preggers... but, sometimes.. I just don't. I'm not sure if that's normal... I find myself wondering if lots of things are normal. I worry myself sick, and it pisses off my husband. He keeps saying he KNOWS everything is just fine, but I guess its my extreme fear, that maybe Ive done something wrong? This little tiny being does not stand a chance in this world without his mama. I am his life source. I eat and he eats. I breathe, he breathes. And the thought that something may not be perfect, scares the living hell out of me.

Its amazing how much I love Brayden. My entire life circles around him. Ever since I saw the word pregnant on my pee stick (all 3 of them) he has consumed every single thought. Is he hungry? Did I eat? Did I take my prenatals? Is he kicking enough... what if I don't feel him all day? When I'm stressed is he stressed? I just want so badly to provide my sweet baby boy with the best life ever.... and that starts right now. While he is in the womb, living off of ME. What a huge responsibility.

I worry myself to the point that I'M sick of hearing myself. I'm sick of my own what ifs. I want to take my brain out and put it on a shelf, and remind myself that this is supposed to be enjoyable.

Is that possible? Is it possible to not worry for the rest of my life?

Is it possible to love this little person so much, and hope for only the best, all the while knowing that your every single decision affects every part of his little delicate life? Talk about NOT worrying. Ya... right.

Dear Brayden,
Mama loves you so much, that she cant even think clearly anymore. I'm becoming a nut case. I hope you love me as much as I love you.

Love,
Mama.

Apple Rolo Galette

Im back to food blogging! I dont know for how long, but for now... Im back!

I took a food-blogging-vacay because this pregnancy has turned me into a very lazy baker/cook. If you cant buy it through a window, or it requires turning on more then the microwave... it hasnt been for me. Even when I TRY to cook for my poor husband who is so tired of pizza... it usually doesnt come out very good. Mainly because my heart isnt into it.. and I would much rather be eating a Mcdouble and a large fry.

But, my overwhelming craving for all things Fall and Apple-y has me back!

And with a bang!!!!

I wasnt sure what this thing I made was called... so, with a little googling... it has a name.

Its called a Galette. Galette basically means a free formed pie. No pie pan, just the crust.

Apple Rolo Galette

Cast of Characters:

2 diced apples (I like honeycrisp), Pie crust, Butter, Rolos, cinnamon, and light brown sugar.

Unwrap and cut Rolos in half. Of dont unwrap them, if tiny peices of gold foil is your thing....

Melt 2 Tablespoons of butter in a sauce pan.

Add diced apples, 3 tablespoons of light brown sugar, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon.

Cook for a few minutes until the sugar is bubbly, the apples are coated  nicely and your kitchen smells like heaven.

Spoon apples into the center of laid out pie crust.

Note: Next time I do this, Ill bake it on wax paper for an easier removal process.

Top with Rolos...

Oh. My. Goodness.

And start to fold over the dough, like this.....

Pinch dough... and bring it up towards the mixture...

Then press is down slightly so it sticks to the other folded dough....

Keep going until you have this.... A Galette.

... And Voila! Done! Baked for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

And its devine. Scrumptious. Out of this world. YUM.

Should be paired with a tall glass of 2% milk or a chilled bottle of water.

Fall Fab!

Bloody nose and chocolate anyone?

Well.... here I am, exactly 23 weeks and 0 days pregnant. And I have tissue stuffed up my nose. Why you ask?
Well... lets see. I was getting ready to go to work at my every-other-weekend gig at the Bucs stadium.... washed my face, turned on my hair iron.... looked down at the sink... to see BLOOD. Lots of it. Glance at my face to find more blood. Pouring from my nose. Nice.
This pregnancy has been a breeze. No nothing. Everything has been decently decent. Until THIS. An hour later, Im not at work.. I have blood all over my shirt... and I still have tissue stuffed up my nose, because everytime I go to remove it... the faucet turns back on... and blood goes everywhere. Just another way for God to get me ready for the unexpected when baby boy gets here. JOYS.

Aside from the nose bleeds, sleep is starting to not be so restful. My back aches, and I ache for the days that I can again sleep on my stomach and back. Once a sound sleeper, I now wake up every time I need to move even slightly... and lets not begin to talk about how many times I have to pee in the middle of the night... 12am, 3am, 545am, 645am, 9am...All of this together, and Im waking up about every 45 minutes to an hour. Sometimes more, and sometimes when Im REALLY tired... I wont wake up, because I just dont move.. but then I wake up with a numb butt and tingling thigh. More JOY.

Baby boy is positioned right on my inner stomach. So, eating more then few bites  here and there starts to become challenging. I am the queen at doggy bags, and am now just as happy with a bowl of Golden Grahams and skim milk.. as I was before over a rib eye steak and a potato. Ohhhh how I am craving snow crab legs though!

Cravings have been relative. Coke Classic. Duh. And just recently...an overwhelming desire for chocolate. I was fearing this one. I miss the days where my cravings consisted of Cobb salads, feta cheese, apple sauce, and PB&J's. I didnt have to worry much about weight gain then... But this new chocolate craze is not good for the butt. or hips. or upper arms. or face. or any other body part for that matter. Only baby boy and my taste buds are enjoying this one.

I was told on my 20 week appointment, that I have an anterior placenta. Not a huge deal.... just means that I wont feel baby boy nearly as much as others are feeling their little ones right now... He kicks me nice and hard, every so often.... Just enough to keep me from worrying, and to let me know that hes just fine. He loves food. After a (small) meal... he goes to town, kicking and kicking. A few times its been hard enough, that I can swear that Daddy will be able to feel it on the outside.. and as soon as I place my hand on my belly... he stops. Such a trickster.

Bending over and getting off the floor isnt HARD, per say. Just not very pretty. I kinda have this routine, that I go from my butt to my knees, and then rock myself in a way that I spring off the floor, dust myself off, and go about my business. Not something I would do in public or in front of anyone but my husband, but it makes me laugh a little. Bending over isnt comfy for me or Brayden. He kicks me to let me know, "HEY! MOM! Knock it off! Im sleeping here! And your making me hit my head with my knee!" Sorry little man, Im almost to the point that I will be making daddy do all the bending, reaching, stretching, and shoe tying.

I forgot to update my blog at my 20 week point. Baby boy is as perfect as perfect can be. Completely handsome and adorable, and I turn to mush every time I see his sweet little self on the sono screen. I have gained 3 lbs so far (This was before my chocolate crave), and dr has asked me to gain 3-5 lbs this month, or else. My boobs are the size of my head. I have stretch mark heaven on my belly (And nothing works... trust me. tried it all). My skin is still pretending Im 14. But my hair and nails are to die for. I have a cute little soccer ball in my belly, and life before maternity jeans no longer exists.

Can I just take a second to thank Motherhood Maternity and Heidi Klum? For designing and making available cute maternity jeans? Because my new bootcuts are adorb. And I get compliments on them all the time. Im not a huge fan of the prego shirts..... still buying a size larger in normal clothes.... but, these jeans are killer.

In other none baby related news, Its "fall" in Florida. 80 degrees and breezy all day. Guess its time to act the part and whip up some banana bread and apple pie. I would give up chocolate for the temp to go down 10 degrees. Ok, never mind. 80s and chocolate all day everyday. Im not letting go of my chocolate. At least, not yet...

Perhaps I will finally do a food blog this week? Maybe Ill blog my apple pie? Or maybe Ill just blog my face covered in chocolate? Stay tuned.